Girl Problems
by Ao Yoake
Summary: Rukia is having some girl problems, so she sends Ichigo and Koichi to the store for her. Randomness and doom shall ensue. For those who don't know, Koichi is the name I use for Ichigo's hollow. There is shounen-ai and coarse language here and there.


**Okay, this story is actually based off of something that my mother's boyfriend does. He's constantly mispronouncing the word 'tampon' and misbehaving in the store. In fact, he pronounces tampon, tampoon. Think kind of like a spoon, except without the 's.' Also, any rants, or the freaking out of Koichi is mine! I came up with the 'they're going to roast me.' In fact, I've always wanted to do that, but because I can't, I make them do it for me! Please don't shoot me...**

* * *

"Why are we out here again, King…?" Koichi asked me in a bored tone.

I glared back at him as he looked off to the side to look for something more interesting. I snorted at his childlike behavior before giving him a reply.

"Because. We have to go to Wal-Mart for Rukia. She needs us to get her the stuff on this list since she doesn't feel good," I informed him.

"You mean cause she's too lazy," he replied, giving me his trademark smirk.

I rolled my eyes, not wanting to put up with his complaints and bullying. Sometimes, he was just too annoying.

"Oh, please. Don't you have anything better to do than pick fun at her?" I asked, not entirely concerned, "I said she doesn't feel good. That's all it is."

"Whatever," he said, dropping the conversation.

I huffed, walking ahead of him as we finally neared the accursed building. I strongly hated Wal-Mart with a passion, but it was the only store in Karakura that sold any of the items we actually needed today. Noticing that Koichi had stopped walking, I pivoted on my foot and grabbed his hand before dragging him into the place.

"Ichi! Don't drag me in here! It smells weird! I hate you! I think they're going to roast me! Look, they're all staring! They're definitely going to roast me!" he shouted, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Of course they are staring at you, you moron! Your shouting and complaining like a two-year old; how could they not?" I hissed in a low voice.

I slapped his hand when he tried to get my iron grip off of him in a last resort attempt to ditch me. There was no way in hell that he was getting out of this. I glanced down at the short list on a post-it note that Rukia had given me.

"Okay, listen up Koichi," I said, drawing his attention towards myself, "we need pain killers, a heating pad, twenty-one chocolate bars, and…"

I stared down at the last item on the list as Koichi peered over my stiff shoulder.

"… Tampoons…?" he asked in pure curiosity.

Oh, yeah. I completely forgot that Koichi lived most of his life in my head and had no idea what-so-ever about the real world was like. I shot a glance over my shoulder at Koichi.

"No…" I said with a dramatic pause, "she wants… tampons."

I said with a look of horror on my face. Koichi merely tilted his head in curiosity. I sighed, what a completely clueless child he was…

"What's a tampoon?" he asked me, eyes shining.

"Eh… a tampon… that is to say… no, um…" I tried to grip at the correct thing to tell him.

Koichi was so immature, I didn't want to scar him. Or worse, get him to do something stupid. After a while, I realized that there was only one option, and that was to just tell him the truth.

"Koichi. Girls have this… um… time of the month… where they start to bleed for an entire week out of a really weird place…" I began, but stopped when he gasped.

"Could they die?" he asked me, eyes wide in terror as he grabbed my shirt.

"No," I said, shaking my head and brushing him off, "they don't die. They don't bleed that much. They just bleed a lot, so they use these things called tampons to stop the bleeding."

"So, that's why Rukia wants tampoons…?" he asked.

I chuckled, since he was still mispronouncing the word. He looked at me expectantly.

"Yes," I told him exasperatedly.

"But why does she need pain killers and chocolate and a heating pad?" he mused, looking up at the ceiling as we began to walk towards the back of the store.

"Because while she's bleeding, she cramps up a lot. Also, chocolate makes girls really happy so that they don't beat you up. Otherwise, it's living hell around them," I explained.

"Oh," he exclaimed, surprised.

Just then, we walked into the pharmacy area and I spied the pain killers Rukia specified. Grabbing the bottle, I turned around and headed towards the area I had seen heating pads fifty percent off at. Koichi was hot on my heels, although he kept stopping to stare at random items in isles every five seconds. After much lagging on Koichi's part, we had found everything but the tampons. I grumbled to myself as I scratched my head and looked around for the damned things.

"Can I help you two?" asked a nice young lady in the blue uniform belonging to the store.

"Oh, oh! We need tampoons!" Koichi shouted enthusiastically as he flailed his arms.

"Excuse me?" she asked, looking at me as if to ask whether he had mental issues.

"He has ADHD," I quickly improvised, "we need tampons for my cousin."

She nodded at my 'explanation' before leading us towards the female section. Koichi was no longer lagging as he noticed where we were going.

"Tampoons!" he cried, running over to the tampon section as I smacked my forehead.

"Whoa! There are so many different colors! Hey, look at this one, it's in a yellow box! No, wait, this one is in a blue box!" he squealed, then stopped and stared at the boxes.

I wondered if he had passed out on his feet, and considered tapping his shoulder. However, I didn't have to do so, because he was quickly revived from his frozen state.

"They come in different sizes?" he shouted to no one in particular, grabbing a random box and staring at it.

I shook my head, my eyes averting to the girl, whom was still standing beside me. She seemed thoroughly amused by Koichi's antics, and as if she didn't plan on leaving us alone anytime soon. I silently cursed him for his unacceptable behavior and vowing to punish him later.

I froze when I noticed that Koichi had decided to open one of the boxes to peak inside. I then nearly hurled when he stuck one in his damn mouth. I slapped a hand over my mouth as I gagged and shut my eyes. The girl was giggling, too.

"Hey, Ichigo," Koichi's voice was suddenly very close to me, "these look kind of like-"

"Don't say it!" I berated, now opening my eyes and glaring daggers at him.

"I wasn't going to…" he pouted, looking down at the slightly wet tampon in his hand.

I still had a feeling as if I had to puke, but could better handle it this time around.

"Give me that!" I demanded, grabbing the stupid thing and stuffing it back in the box, "God, Koichi! Now, not only am I going to have to buy Rukia's tampons, but these as well!"

"Aw, but Ichi! I was only having fun!" he whined, pouting again.

I had to fight down the rising urge to just melt like putty and forget his horrible behavior. He most definitely was not escaping punishment. Then he gave me the puppy eyes. Damn it.

"You guys are so hot!" cried the girl.

I looked up at her, a deep blush covering my face. Only then did I realize what she was. A yaoi fan girl. We were unlucky enough to find one of them in Wal-Mart. To think that people wonder why I hate this place so much. Koichi didn't mind the extra attention, and instead, with a smirk and an evil glint in his eye, pounced on top of me.

Koichi slammed our lips together, holding me in a tight grip, so that even if I actually wanted to, I could not escape. The fan girl was whooping an cheering, as well as attracting attention from others of her kind. I mentally gulping, wishing to crawl under a rock and hide for the rest of eternity.

As soon as Koichi's fun had started, though, it had ended. I let out an unsatisfied whine at the loss of heat and glared at Koichi's innocent smile. Yeah, right, innocent. I was too absorbed in Koichi's face to notice all of the boos coming from the fan girl crowd that had developed around us.

"These clothes are so annoying," he whispered in my ear huskily, tugging at my clothes.

I finally began to regain some composure and pushed his wandering hands away. I gave him what I hoped was a disapproving look. He jutted his lower lip and gave me those puppy dog eyes again, but I was prepared this time and didn't give in. He pouted, glaring at the floor, as he got up off of me. Koichi offered me a hand to get up, which I took with a kind smile sent his way. He seemed pleased by this, returning it with his little smirk.

"We should get the tampoons," he said, throwing an arm around my neck and messing up my hair with the other.

I swatted away his hands before finding the needed brand of tampons and pulling Koichi towards the front of the store. I ignored all the stares we were getting, knowing it was all thanks to our small display of affection in the tampon section. Koichi seemed content to follow me like a small puppy, completely oblivious to all those stares. That or he chose to ignore them.

We would finally make it out of the store with a little bit of our dignity left. Well, we would have, that is, if it weren't for a certain white _somebody _who decided to pull a funny.

"Thank-you for our tampoons!" he shouted at the top of his lungs just before we stepped out the door.

I smacked the dumb-ass upside his head and scolded him before starting to walk away. Koichi seemed dazed by this before shaking his head and running to catch up with me.

"Hey! Wait up, Ichi!" he whine as he nearly caught up with me.

I was tempted to make a run for it, but figured that might be just what he wanted. So, instead, I walked at a painfully slow pace, ignoring every word that came from his mouth. We were stopped by the honking of a car, causing me to look up and see who was honking at us. I was so going to kick their a- oh, it's Byakuya! I smiled and waved at him.

He ignored me, and instead unlocked his car doors for us. I didn't understand why he constantly drove around with his doors locked. It's like he was afraid of being carjacked or something. I opened the back seat, being sure that Koichi was in, then got in the passenger seat after closing the back door.

"So, cherry blossom king, what brings you and your lovely car to this oh-so-wonderful neighborhood?" I asked him, staring as the scenery oozed by outside the window.

"Rukia ordered me to come fetch you two. She says that she needs the... requested items... immediately," Byakuya replied, ignoring my nickname for him.

"Ah," I said simply.

Everything was silent for a while. That is, everything was normal until a certain thing caught the corner of my eye as we stopped at in intersection. Something white flash through my vision from the corner of my eye. I turned my head to see a tampon go flying into the open window of someone's care and hit the unsuspecting person in the head. My eyes widened and I twisted my body around to look at Koichi, who was sporting a face splitting smirk.

"Free tampoons for all!" he shouted, throwing another tampon into th car of somebody else who was unlucky enough to have left their window down.

I smacked my forehead and grumbled to myself. If I pretend he's not there, maybe he'll quit it. No such luck. Realizing that my tactic wasn't working, I again looked at the childish albino.

"Why the hell are you throwing tampons in peoples' cars?" I screamed at him.

"Oh, that's easy! There's girls in those cars, too!" he replied enthusiastically.

I glanced in the cars that had been bombarded with tampons so far, and sure enough, at least one girl was in each car. I slapped a hand over my forehead again. God, I swear my boyfriend is a moron.

"You better not be throwing the tampons that I got specifically for Rukia," I warned him in a deadly tone.

"Don't worry! I'm not!" he cheered, before throwing another tampon as we started driving again.

By the time we got home, there were only two tampons in the box Koichi was holding. To my relief, he had been telling the truth and hadn't touched Rukia's tampons. I turned on my heel, walking to the door and opening it up. Koichi jumped in the house in front of me cheerfully.

"Here's your tampoons, Rukia!" he shouted, throwing them at her, giggling like a five year old, and skipping up the stairs.

I watched as he dissappeared up the stairs.

"Tampoons?" she asked me skeptically.

"It's a long story..." I sighed as I began to recount all the evens to her.

* * *

**And done! I'm so happy that I've finished this! By the way, no offense to women, because I am a woman. No offense to men either, I just have a horrible time figuring out what either one is thinking. I hope you liked this, because I had a lot of fun with it regardless of whether you did or not. Flames are nice, though, just not for Koichi. He doesn't want to be roasted, so give all flames to me. Just to be on the safe side...**


End file.
